October Blog Entries
Dealing with dad’s fall –
the nightmare every elder care giver dreads
Tuesday, October 16
Ken and I just returned late Saturday night, 10/13, from a very nice few days in Florida for some R&R. After some intense research, we had made arrangements for a woman to come in from a home healthcare agency while we were in Florida, to just be available to our parents while we were away. We needed the assurance of having someone in the house while we were away in case of an emergency, which we knew our parents were not capable of handling.
Much to think about
Ken’s mom has early Alzheimer’s, among other problems; my mother has severe scoliosis, osteoarthritis and osteoporosis; and my dad is diabetic. Our fear was that one of them would have a major problem and not think to call 911. We were so proud of ourselves that we made the first step to getting outside care for our parents in our home. We knew that this is something we would eventually have to address down the road.
Our parents did just fine while we were away and seemed to accept the caregiver. That made us feel pretty good. We started doing business as usual. I went into work Monday morning and had to leave work later in the morning to take my mother-in-law to her skin doctor. She had a basil cell cancerous lesion removed from her face about 2 months ago. This visit was to see how she healed from the surgery.
If only I had grabbed him in time
On Tuesday, my dad had a very early doctor’s appointment for some throat problems he was having. We were getting all our referral appointments, etc. and ready to leave the office, when my father lost his balance and fell in the doctor’s waiting room. He went down so hard on the floor…I just thought he had to get up. But he did some major damage to his leg.
This was my mother’s, and our, worst nightmare…my dad going into the hospital. He took total care of her, as she’s practically helpless. Anyhow, 911 was called and he was taken to the ER, where the X-rays showed he had a very bad fracture of his femur in his left leg. He was admitted to the hospital and our nightmare began.
I dreaded telling my mother
After he hurt himself, I dreaded telling my mother. Ken stayed with my dad so I was able to go to my mother and tell her the dreaded news. I knew she would go off the deep end, but after the initial shock she came around like a real trooper. I even got her to go to her scheduled doctor appointment with my mother-in-law for their flu shots, and then I took my mother over to the hospital.
She is unable to walk any distance and has a very hard time sitting in most chairs. Once my dad got a room, my mother was up and down between the wheel chair and chairs in the room. Then she would get settled and had to use the lady’s room. She’s not able to do any of this by herself. I’m not used to manipulating a wheel chair.
I was back and forth at the hospital 3 times that day. My dad had his surgery at 10pm that night and I stayed until 12:30am. I think that had to be one of the longest days of my life. I slept on the sofa that night, so that I could help my mother get up and back into bed during the night. Of course, couldn’t sleep at all and my mother gets up very early in the morning…anywhere from 4am to 5am.
After the trauma, the real challenge begins…
Sunday, October 21
We came to visit Dad today. He was sound asleep when we came. Ken’s mom, Jean, came along to see Dad…was first time Jean saw him since his accident.
It sure is a difficult time of life. It’s every bit as hard to take care of elderly parents as it is children. My mom is up at least once every night…most of the times 2 times to go the bathroom. She has a horrendous time getting in and out of bed…getting into bed the hardest. It would break your heart to see her.
I’ve become the primary caregiver
In the morning I’m now doing everything for Mom that Dad did for her. She needs help getting her medication together, help with breakfast & lunch, dinner, etc. I’m sure he was totally exhausted taking care of her…she’s totally dependent on someone. Dad’s doing better today…more lucid. Good to see him a little improved.
I totally lost it tonight. Mom needed help, Jean wanted help, plus taking care of dishes, etc. I could have screamed…was running from one thing to another and started to snap at Jean. I finally broke down in tears… don’t know what to do. We’re starting to look for help. Not sure what we’ll do. Right now life really sucks. I have no time to myself. Ken’s at his wit’s end dealing with all of this during a challenging time in our business. He helps as much as he can, but the burden right now is mostly on me, and it’s overwhelming.
Who else is there to do this?
Monday, October 22
After taking care of Mom this a.m., I was finally able to get to the office for about 3_ hours. So hard to get anything done. I came home around 1 p.m. to get Mom some lunch & then bring her over to visit with Dad. This is another problem…can’t have anyone else bring her, because she needs help going to the bathroom. So, unless something changes, we’re here 7 days a week.
Dad fell out of bed this morning. He didn’t hurt himself…doesn’t remember it. Said the night was long. Ken and I are continually researching and discussing options. So frustrating. Doesn’t seem to be any real answer. Feel trapped and exhausted.
So many responsibilities…
Tuesday, October 23
Well, it’s another day. This morning went a little better. Could I possibly be getting used to this routine? We started checking with the county today as to help available to our parents. I also called a rehab provider for Mom to see if she qualifies for anything. They will call back. Dad’s very tired today…falling asleep. I think this is his sleepy time…sitting in a wheel chair. He had P.T. today around 10am…not eating a lot. I think either he still has anesthesia in him (almost positive) or he’s depressed about the whole situation. It’s probably a little bit of both. Still needs help when goes to bathroom. Did have a shower last night…that’s progress. We’re still with Dad…he’s sleeping.
Mom gets restless. When we first got here it was tough for her to settle in. Wheel chair hurt with and without pillow…ended up in a regular chair. Once she got settled, had to go to the bathroom. Very frustrating! Sure wish I could drop her off to visit with Dad…would make life a lot easier. It’s really tough having so many responsibilities. We have young grandchildren out-of-state. Breaks my heart not to see them more often. I really need that special time with them.
Sometimes it’s difficult to be grateful, but we’re working at it
Friday, October 26
Dad looks really good today. Had physical therapy for a couple of hours today. Mom and Dad are discussing Jean (Ken’s Mom). She’s been having a hard time remembering things. She sleeps a lot off and on during the day, many times doesn’t realize that she’s been asleep. We try to avoid waking her up when she’s been asleep a long time…she’s not the same person. She really scared us last night. She was belligerent and not the person we knew. A totally different personality popped out of her. It was an angry personality.
Anyhow, I feel so bad for all our parents. It’s so hard watching them deteriorate. They want to still do things, but really aren’t capable of doing them anymore. Sorry. Can’t wallow in this stuff too long. It gets to you.
Anyway, I feel so much better about my dad today, as far as mentally coming back to where he was before. He can remember where everything is at home. He seems to be eating better now. I’m grateful for that.
We discover a great home health care program!
Monday, October 29
Today was a good day. We had a representative from senior services in our county come and go over some programs with us today. We’ve been looking for some in-home care programs that our parents could qualify for and were given great information today.
If you have no in-home care insurance, it can be almost as costly to have care at home as in a nursing home…that is 24-hour-a-day care. We really need some in-home care for my mother. My father had been taking care of her, but since his accident, I’ve been caring for her. This is really hard, since I do have a job that I go to daily. It’s also difficult physically since she can’t do anything for herself. Once my dad comes home from the Rehab Center, he will not be able to do this for her anymore. Plus, he will also need care.
The JACC Program – at last some help!
We found out from our county representative that we have a valuable program for seniors that qualify income-wise. The program is a New Jersey program called the JACC program. Check out if your state has a similar program. If your assets as an individual are less than $30,000 and as a couple are less than $60,000, you may qualify for in-home care (bathing, etc.).
They also provide meals, transportation, day care programs, etc. It seems like a good program for our parents. We knew that, even before my dad’s accident, we needed to start looking for some kind of program to get some assistance for them. We are going to apply for this program for my parents. It’s far from enough (maximum 8 hours of care for one individual, 16 hours for a couple) but it’s still helpful.
What makes this program valuable is that the state is more flexible than Medicaid on the 5-Year Lookback. So assets can be shifted to take advantage of the program and Ken and I can keep the funds in a separate personal account. If mom and/or dad need to go into a nursing home, we can use the funds for their care, since the 5-Year Lookback will recapture the money anyway at that point.
A new stage – physical therapy
We also today had our first visit from In-Home Physical Therapy. Today was just an evaluation of my mother to see what type of therapy she will qualify for. This is a wonderful service. The therapist is an extremely gentle, caring person. She tested her strength and mobility in her limbs. She started her with a few exercises today and was very encouraging as to being able to make mom a little bit more mobile.
She’s also recommending occupational therapy, as well, for her. Mom has a hard time doing many things that all of us take for granted. It’s very upsetting to her not to be able to take care of herself. My hope for her is that she’ll be able to do a lot more for herself, so that my father won’t feel so obligated to try to help her all the time.
We’re feeling some hope for a change
I feel that between the in-home care provided by the county and my mother getting a little more mobile with the physical therapy, that my parents will be able to remain comfortably in our home. Of course, unforeseen accidents or major health issues could always alter everything.
As to my father, he’s doing well today. He did call me this morning and told me that he’s having a hard time sleeping at night. Said he feels closed in at night time…his nerves are getting to him. Guess you can’t blame him. Can’t imagine sitting day-after-day with nothing to do. His appetite is not good either. He always loved to eat, but can’t seem to get his appetite back. Said the food just doesn’t taste right. The healing process for this kind of fracture is very slow. I just feel so bad for him and wish the whole healing process was a little faster for him.
Another strange day
Tuesday, October 30
My mother and mother-in-law had a foot doctor appointment today. Even though everything revolves around my dad’s convalescing, life does still go on as usual. So, today I did as much work as possible at the office, came home and made lunch for my mom. Then we had to prepare for our appointment with the foot doctor, which is about 20-25 minutes away. My father always went with us in the past and was able to get my mom out of the car and into the doctor’s office, while I parked the car.
Now, I not only have to get my mom out of the car and walk her inside the building, but now I have to abandon my car out in the street while I accomplish this, and then come back out and find a place to park the car. It’s amazing how the absence of one person can make such a difference how we accomplish things that seemed easy before, but now difficult.
Anyhow, we did ok at the foot doctor’s office. From there we went to see my dad, which is about another 20 minutes back again. I was rushing from one place to the other all day. But, it was worth it. Dad was happy to see all of us and seemed to be in pretty good spirits. The bad thing is that he can’t sleep and either he has no appetite or the food just doesn’t tempt him.
Dealing with dad’s frustration and anxiety
Wednesday, October 31:
Hooray!! No appointments of any sort today. Just a normal hectic day. Dad called this morning and again did not sleep last night. I feel so bad for him. Seems like he’s reaching out for help from us, but not sure what to do. So far, I have asked the nurses to give him something to help his closed-in feeling at nighttime (anxiety). Found out he already is on something and can’t have anything on top of it.
I brought him a portable CD player with soothing music he can listen to at night when he’s not sleeping. Hopefully, this will relax him enough to sleep. When we visited him later in the day, he seemed much happier.
He finally went to the main therapy center today, which is about 20 minutes away. It did him the world of good to get a change of scenery today. He’s now allowed to put 25% weight on his injured leg. Now learning to toe walk on that leg. Dad’s making some progress. It may be slow, but it’s positive progress.
This has been hard on mom. Before this accident, she did not go out of the house very often. Now she goes out every day to visit my dad. It’s very exhausting and uncomfortable for her when she goes out.